I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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