I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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