Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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