non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
