I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
