We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
