I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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