you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
barbara walters just said penis...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
