John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
