Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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