dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
