get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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