after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
