I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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