All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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