You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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