I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
