I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
