update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
