I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
