So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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