Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
