Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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