Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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