i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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