he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
