It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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