if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
