When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
