the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
