dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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