It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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