i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Randomize
