Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
