You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
