I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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