the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
