i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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