Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
