I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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