two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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