My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
