He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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