this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
