thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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