so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
