Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
