Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
