why didn't you poke me back
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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