the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
